The funny thing is, it is only when you face a crisis in your marriage and seek counselling, that anyone mentions all marriages go through the meat grinder stage.
In fact marriage is the perfect set-up for conflict. Put two flawed people together from opposite traditions, backgrounds and expectations who love each other and watch them” let their hair down”. Both feel secure. They trust the other and so they relax their polite facades. Soon their wounds begin to surface. Usually they only react and blow up with each other. They push each other’s buttons. Then the natural thought is,
“I’ve made a terrible mistake. I need a divorce.”
Wrong, in most case.
Conflict is the sign that you have made the perfect choice because people only show their dark side to the one whom they love and who loves them. Crazy? Nope, not when you understand the process. What nobody tells us when we get married is that we draw out the negative from our partner. Marriage is a threshing floor, wine-press and meat grinder all rolled up into one.
We are truly our worst with someone we trust . When I have felt stabbed in the heart, figuratively speaking, by my husband’s treatment, I looked for the name on the handle of the knife that pierced me. I fully expected to see my husband’s name on the handle of the knife. I was shocked to see my name, in black and white letters… MELANIE.
Because I needed to blame him and act like the suffering victim, scapegoat and martyr. When I rejected this victim complex, drained my pain and let go of tough walls of recrimination, then the natural process had chance to heal both of us. The truth still is that both of us were and still are wrong and need to mature and grow in love.
p.s. I good friend, a fellow writer who calls himself Nothingprofound at http://mydailyaphorism.blogspot.ca/offers this great insight on conflicts in marriage
nothingprofound: When people make huge demands on you, like solving their problems in life, you know deep inside you can’t do it, and that makes you feel uncomfortable and inadequate. So it’s natural to want to escape from that situation. Some people try to fulfil that role, to become the saviour but just wind up becoming miserable martyrs and feeling victimized. The most loving nature doesn’t respond well to unreasonable demands; all it feels is its own limitations, its own impotence.