The funny thing is, it is only when you face a crisis in your marriage and seek counselling, that anyone mentions all marriages go through the meat grinder stage.
In fact marriage is the perfect set-up for conflict. Put two flawed people together from opposite traditions, backgrounds and expectations who love each other and watch them” let their hair down”. Both feel secure. They trust the other and so they relax their polite facades. Soon their wounds begin to surface. Usually they only react and blow up with each other. They push each other’s buttons. Then the natural thought is,
“I’ve made a terrible mistake. I need a divorce.”
Wrong, in most case.
Conflict is the sign that you have made the perfect choice because people only show their dark side to the one whom they love and who loves them. Crazy? Nope, not when you understand the process. What nobody tells us when we get married is that we draw out the negative from our partner. Marriage is a threshing floor, wine-press and meat grinder all rolled up into one.
We are truly our worst with someone we trust . When I have felt stabbed in the heart, figuratively speaking, by my husband’s treatment, I looked for the name on the handle of the knife that pierced me. I fully expected to see my husband’s name on the handle of the knife. I was shocked to see my name, in black and white letters… MELANIE.
Because I needed to blame him and act like the suffering victim, scapegoat and martyr. When I rejected this victim complex, drained my pain and let go of tough walls of recrimination, then the natural process had chance to heal both of us. The truth still is that both of us were and still are wrong and need to mature and grow in love.
p.s. I good friend, a fellow writer who calls himself Nothingprofound at http://mydailyaphorism.blogspot.ca/offers this great insight on conflicts in marriage
nothingprofound: When people make huge demands on you, like solving their problems in life, you know deep inside you can’t do it, and that makes you feel uncomfortable and inadequate. So it’s natural to want to escape from that situation. Some people try to fulfil that role, to become the saviour but just wind up becoming miserable martyrs and feeling victimized. The most loving nature doesn’t respond well to unreasonable demands; all it feels is its own limitations, its own impotence.
21 thoughts on “When Marriage Feels Like a Meat Grinder”
Melanie, that’s a different way of seeing it. Makes good sense though and I enjoyed how you explained it.
I feel that too many people are quick to throw in their marriages rather than work on it. What they don’t realise is that, their personality or character will stay with them regardless to who you marry. Ever wonder why celebrities have so many divorces over and over? Could it be that the individual person hasn’t changed? And once they let their guard down with the next new love, they repeat the same mistakes instead of communicating and working on it..
A lot more people ought to here this.
I have thought the very same thing about multiple divorces
I loved this! So true. It was just what I needed to hear today too. Not that either of us would ever give up, but things have definitely been tougher than usual lately and I realized that I’d put myself in the victim seat for no reason.
The minister who married us, in our pre-marriage counseling, asked us to think about what we brought to our relationship, not what the other did. It was a great exercise and I’ve found myself doing it occasionally since then. Even with friendships.
Excellent post Melanie, defiantly something to think about, blaming each other is not a good solution, we often need to look at ourselves instead.
It is interesting that when I change, my husband, who I thought was in the wrong, responds completely differently
so happy you are able to share your wonderful thoughts on marraige.It took me many years to learn this lesson but what A GIFT.If only it was required reading for newly-weds.LOVE YOU MELANIE, KEEP UP HTHE GOOD WORK
thrilled to meet up with you- I am glad you liked it -thank-you
The same philosophy works with children, that they are at their worst when they are with the one they trust the most.
I’m really enjoying your blog!
you’ve got the idea now- just let it roll off you. It has nothing to do with you;it is their issues rising up and they let out their frustration and anger on lucky you. My oldest daughter knew that at 7-8 years old
Sometimes a child can help a friend when parents or teachers cannot.
A child has the ability to speak powerfully into another child’s life because they use a kid’s vocabulary that is familiar to their friend. Our kids demonstrated this idea countless times in our family but one of the best example involved my second child, Melissa.
The old, black phone, which was on the kitchen wall, rang after school. Surprisingly, it was for eight year old Melissa. My kids didn’t usually converse over the phone till they were a few years older but this was a crisis.
Audrey, one of Melissa’s friends at school, was distraught and crying over the phone. Her mother had looked up our number on the class list. She was most likely at feeling helpless, hoping that by simply talking to a good friend, her daughter would feel better.
Angela, the self proclaimed princess of the grade two class at St. Thomas, had treated poor Audrey terribly all day. Melissa was sympathetic but did not indulge Audrey’s self-pity.
My daughter raised her voice slightly to catch Audrey’s attention and then said,
“Audrey, how Angela treated you today has nothing to do with you. Angela was having a bad day and she took it out on you! She still likes you.”
Audrey snapped out of her emotional crisis and was soon chatting happily with my daughter.
Melissa’s wisdom astonished me. I couldn’t remember explaining this human tendency to her. She must have learned this information just by being part of our family. Children learn not by just words and actions but by osmosis. When knowledge sinks in and becomes part of a kid, they are able to share and help their peers. That is a powerful tool to help other kids that we as parents or teachers should not ignore.
Read more at http://www.broowaha.com/articles/15340/kids-helping-kids#6r0j6Oa75HL7QUSx.99
I love this and so happy to have found your blog! I have long thought that we are our worst selves with the ones we trust the most. Reading it here makes this make so much sense so thank you. And I liked the part where you said nobody ever tells you marriage can be a meat grinder until you’ve come through the meat grinder in your marriage lol. thnaks!
PS I am Number 9 in a family of 11. 🙂 love that you have nine children!
Too funny. Michael comes from 10 and is dad always referred to his kids as son #1,.. My husband is son #2 !!!
I LOVE your stuff- down to earth, truthful, full of hope and faith
Now why don’t they tell us this BEFORE we get married? Great post.
(Oh, better late than never, I guess – I really like your new “look” here! Meant to say something awhile back.)
Thanks for stopping by and leaving links to your articles! 🙂
whew- only one other person said something but I LOVE it because I have just discovered stained glass and relious icons. I am now trying to wrap my head around a staic front page and how to organize 260+ posts
Some of the details of this blogging stuff can be overwhelming! I need to reorganize my posts as well…while there are only 70 of them!
I’ve been checking out YouTube and other blogs for info on how to do some of the finer things in WordPress. There’s so much to learn.
Can’t wait to see what you come up with!
there is a Christian site I have just joined where a young guy who hosts it + other techies answer posted pleas for help
Catholic New Media and Tech
You’ve just become my new BFF! (Actually, you already were!)
Thank you for sharing this golden site!