Knife in My Heart


ella-wheeler-wilcox

 I stood at the sink,

pain lancing my chest,

sobbing silently,

tears blinding me as I tackled a mound of dirty dishes.

Exhaustion weighed heavy,

my arms like stone.

11:00pm.

I was alone, disconnected

Isolated.

Knife in my Heart

I could almost see the knife

piercing my heart.

There was a name on the handle;

I strained my inner eye,

expecting to see my husband’s name carved in the wood

But No!

I tried to manipulate the letters but I could not force them to spell his name.

The etched letters

clearly spelled Melanie.

My eyes widened,

I literally gasped in shock.

Truth pierced,

dissolving the knife and the sharp pain with it into insubstantial mist.

images (15)

 

I was the architect of my misery,

a dramatic self-made victim,

acting like a pitiful scapegoat.

Reality made me smile.

An inner switch flipped.

Misery slipped off like useless rags

The mountain of work thrown into the sea by a mustard seed of common sense because there was no mountain except in my self-pitying delusions of martyred grandeur.

Self-depreciating laughter,

Cutting through Stress.

A Strange Calm.

Strength.

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12 thoughts on “Knife in My Heart

  1. I think we all feel like that sometime or another. It is so good that we realize that we make our own choices on how to feel .I have been learning that daily lately and it was good to read that someone else knows exactly how to verbalize it. Blessings Melanie.

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      1. It felt very immediate. At first I thought it was the typical Thanksgiving tension, but then I remembered you live in Canada. I understand the overwhelmed by babies thing. And I don’t have 9! So happy you have found spiritual support!

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  2. Wow – nine. And some days I’m completely overwhelmed by two. I love that when we really examine, we see that we can’t really blame our plight elsewhere. So often we are our own architects of pain. Thank you for this.

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